Yosemite National Park
After sleeping on the worlds most uncomfortable mattress we hightailed it from the San Remo. Not before Emma decided to thieve cake. They have out for the guests some coffee, juice and mini cakes. A nice touch until a cake fiend like Emma spots them. They were officially the most delicious mini cakes I’ve ever eaten and she thought so too. I was leaving the room to go use the toilet when she rushed back down the hall to me holding up a handful of stolen cakes in and her best whispering shouty voice “I GOT MORE CAKE!!!”. Housekeeping then saw me naked but it was more impressed than horiffied being the fine specimen of a human I am.
The quirky hipster hotel looked good but that’s where it ended. We managed to wiggle out of paying $30 for parking by putting it on the street and leaving before 10am. We decided to grab some food on the road and after waving goodbye to San Francisco we roared across the Bay Bridge. So after reaching Oakland we pulled off the freeway and spotted a Jack In The Box. We’ve never had a Jack In The Box before so it seemed like a good idea. We parked up and looked it, it was so dark I thought it might be shut. Then someone walked out with food so we knew it was open.
This is the point where things got weird. It had the largest concentration of strange people in one place I’ve ever seen. We walk in to see people just standing round dossing no clear queue or any indication they were waiting for food. You see in films in hospitals people shuffling along hallways dragging IV drips behind them at an incredibly slow place looking miserable. Imagine that but no IV drip and in a fast food joint. So we pick what we want to eat. Basically a McMuffin but in a croissant. Interesting I think to myself. We try and order but the woman behind the counter doesn’t understand English, yet she is clearly a native American, so we resort to pointing at the board and speaking slowly, the typical tourist in a restaurant behavior.
While we wait for it to arrive I go to the toilet. I find them both locked and the most horrendous smell emanating from the crack underneath the door. I feel like wetting a towel and plugging the crack to stop the smell of rotting flesh from rising but instead I stand there holding my nose wondering where I went wrong in life. Once I went in I was prepared for the worst. I was ready to pee in the sink if the toilet was in that bad a nick. But the place was spotless. There was not a scrap of toilet paper or a spot of dirt anywhere. yet it smelt like Jabba The Huts personal quarters. When I came out Emma was still queuing. We ordered two coffees and of course didn’t get two coffees. In the end the staff couldn’t understand what I was saying so I took the display cup showing what you get when you order a coffee and went over to the machine.
There wasn’t a machine only a dispensable thermos of coffee, which of course was empty. After a few minutes they replaced it and it fired out warm brown liquid that resembled a halfway mixture of coffee and tea. It would do. We eventually got our food and sat down to eat. it was the best breakfast I had had in ages. Jack In The Box officially trumps McDonalds in every way possible when it comes to breakfast. I just don’t understand why you have to go to a place full of weirdos to get it!!! So we chomped away. I tried to ignore the old lady with the cane in the corner shouting stuff to herself. She was harmless and just liked slagging off everyone who came in, very loudly so they could hear.
Then it got even weirder, a middle aged woman came in with shipping bags full of crisps. She stood n front of the tills and did 2 pirouettes. Ballet style
“Emma did you see that?”
“That woman just did two f**king pirouettes in front of the tills”
“No she didn’t.”
“I swear to god she did.”
The woman then walked by with one leg of her jeans up by her knees displaying what I can only describe as a mermaid chugging beer. Emma went tot he toilet leaving me to fend for myself surrounded in plain as day crackpots. When we left I stood and turned round to see the mermaid woman. She had no Jack In The Box food in front of her. Instea she had opened a bag of Cheetos and was proceeding to throw them into her mouth a handful at a time. The problem she had was Cheetos are big, her mouth is small. for every 2 she got in 4 hit her cheeks and fell onto the table or floor. She did this at a very fast pace and both the table and floor were covered in failed thrown Cheetos.
“Em, lets get the f**k out of here, this is now weird”
“Ok, and um…….. can we leave the top up and the doors locked please.”
The drive to Yosemite was uneventful until we got behind a red Toyota. The driver of the Toyota was either heavily intoxicated or unable to drive a car. He was swerving all over the place. The last straw for me was when he swerved into the path of a big rig missing it by a matter of feet. I saw it coming and actually beeped him to draw attention to the fact he was due to become grill meat. Not wanting blood and guts splattered on the Mustangs windshield I overtook him at the next straight and clear bit of road. I put my foot down and moved into the other lane. That is when I took off. Holy shit….. We flew by him at an acceleration I had not yet experienced. It is on thing making the mustang go 0-60. It’s impressive,, but going 30-60 is a different kettle of fish.
We stopped at red lights a mile later and I looked into the rear view mirror to see the driver of the car taking photos of the scenery with an iPad. The stupid idiot had nearly got him and possibly us killed because he was busy taking photos on his iPad instead of driving. I was so angry. A few miles later we pulled into the hotel and unfortunately so did the iPad idiot. For the English readers out there I will leave you with this. He checked in and handed over a French passport. No explanation needed.
We informed them it was our honeymoon and we scored a $300 upgrade to a room that was better than the flat we had just moved out of!!! I didn’t want to leave the room! But eventually we did to get a slow shutter speed photo by the river. Emma being a trooper climbed down boulders and across flowing water in her flip flops to help me get the shot. To celebrate we jumped in the jacuzzi in our underwear. (Jeremy Clarkson voice) And on that bombshell…. goodnight!!